The most common traits of narcissistic abusers, according to a psychotherapist

Is it just you, or is everyone suddenly a narcissistic abuser? From exes to bosses to that suspiciously smug neighbor, the label seems to be everywhere. But before we declare a national emergency, let’s get real: according to psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum, true narcissistic abusers are actually rare creatures—destructive, yes, but not lurking under every rock!

What Sets Narcissistic Abusers Apart?

Despite their scarcity, narcissistic abusers—often referred to as PNs—wield power that’s anything but minor. As Tenenbaum bluntly states, this is the very archetype of a psychologically harmful personality: “Their goal is to destroy their victim, erase their identity, and make them suffer.” Not exactly winning personality traits for next-door neighbor of the year.

But, to avoid slipping into paranoia, let’s clear up a vital point: a narcissistic abuser is not simply a self-obsessed individual thirsting for the limelight. There’s a big difference between someone who wants to be the star of the show and someone actively plotting another’s downfall.

The Two Faces of the Narcissistic Abuser

All narcissistic abusers have the same endgame—inflict harm on their victim—but they don’t all play the same role on life’s stage. Tenenbaum divides them into two broad categories:

• The “Advantageous” Narcissistic Abuser: Picture someone who loves being watched, puts themselves on display, thrives on admiration, and longs to be forever in the spotlight. Think parade, not masquerade. Their seduction lies in their magnetism and their urgent need to always hog center stage.
• The “Phalloïde” Narcissistic Abuser: On the opposite end is the sneakier sort: more discreet, even solitary, and far more cunning in their approach. Their abuse is insidious, slipping in quietly and striking when least expected. Not so much bright lights as covert operations.

Yet regardless of style, the PN’s toolkit remains the same, and it’s nothing you want as a Secret Santa gift. Tenenbaum details their “devastating weapons:”

• Moral harassment
• Manipulation
• Lies
• Verbal violence (and sometimes physical, if crossed)
• Humiliation

Driven by this urge to annihilate their prey, over time the victim becomes isolated—left without finances, phone, family, colleagues, or friends. The psychological destruction is severe: victims end up feeling stupid, useless, or worthless. The toxic bond tightens, placing the victim in a persistent position of weakness.

Don’t Confuse the Cast

Let’s keep our scripts straight: not every narcissist is an abuser, and not every mean-spirited individual qualifies as a narcissistic abuser. As Tenenbaum points out:

• Narcissist: Desires attention and the spotlight, but doesn’t necessarily aim to harm others.
• The “Mean” Person: May hurt everyone indiscriminately, but the narcissistic abuser aims directly at chosen victims.

Important side note: the term applies to both men and women, but only to adults. Kids, you’re off the hook (at least here).

And while couple relationships get most of the attention, this toxic personality can thrive just as easily in friendships, families, at work, or in any professional setting—something expert Marie-France Hirigoyen also underscores.

Origins, Reactions, and the Only Escape Route

Where do narcissistic abusers come from? Tenenbaum shares that several theories exist. Some may have suffered psychological, physical, or even sexual abuse in childhood. Contrariwise, others might have grown up as the “child king,” in a rule-free, overly permissive household. The end result, unfortunately, is just as damaging to those around them.

Now, let’s say you’re unlucky enough to cross paths with such a character. What should you do? According to Tenenbaum, only one reaction works: run! There’s no reasoning with a PN, no magical therapy cure, and certainly no prompting them into self-reflection. Transformation? Absolutely off the table. The wolf does not suddenly become the lamb—no matter how much you wish upon a star.

In fact, at the very first sign of disrespect—be it insults, mockery, repeated criticism, isolation, or violence—Tenenbaum recommends one thing: “run for your life.” Even if you’re not sure whether your partner, friend, or boss fits the profile, prioritize your mental well-being. Consider seeing a mental health professional if you need help (and that’s genuinely good advice for us all).

When their victim escapes, the narcissistic abuser collapses—destabilized and, in a sense, defeated. Their identity depends on having a scapegoat to torment. Take away the victim, and the abuser’s destructive purpose simply vanishes.

Curious to learn more? Sylvie Tenenbaum suggests two films for a behind-the-scenes look at narcissistic abuse: Mon roi (by Maïwenn, 2015, with Vincent Cassel and Emmanuelle Bercot) and L’enfer (by Claude Chabrol, 1994, with Emmanuelle Béart and François Cluzet).

In short: It’s a jungle out there—but the true predators are rare, if potent. Know the warning signs, don’t confuse every egoist for an abuser, and, above all, always safeguard your own peace of mind. Sometimes, the quickest way to heal is to simply—and swiftly—walk away.